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A few weeks ago, I spoke on a panel for college students at the University of Minnesota. Near the end, the professor, a dear friend of mine, told her students that one of the most important things they could take time for this year was figuring out what they really want.
Not what their teachers want, not what their parents want, not what their friends want. What they deep down want.
I think that's one of the hardest and best questions you can ask yourself. And it doesn't get easier after college.
Diana Patel, an executive coach, hears the grown-up version all the time. Her clients have done everything that's "by the book successful," and they're asking, "Why do I not feel this fulfillment yet?"
Most of us try to answer it once. The first answer shows up fast, it sounds reasonable, and we get back to work.
Diana's fix is to keep going:
"Ask yourself what do you want? And then after you've asked yourself that, ask what you really want. And then do that seven times."
In today's newsletter, I'll walk you through exactly how to do this, an example of seven rounds that starts at "a promotion" and ends at the dinner table, what to do when the answers dry up, and how the last answer can change the way your everyday work feels.
Let's dig in.
How to ask it
Grab a notebook and say out loud, "What do I want?" Write down the first thing you think of.
Then look at that answer and ask, "But what do I really want from that?"
Write the next answer under it, and ask again about that one. Keep going until you've asked seven times.
It might go something like this:
1. A promotion.
2. More money.
3. To stop worrying about money.
4. To be able to say no.
5. To spend my days on work I'm proud of.
6. To have something left at the end of the day.
7. To be all there at dinner with my family.
The first answers are the ones you've been handed. They come fast because you've heard them so many times. The later ones come slower, and they're more yours.
And look where that list ended up. The promotion might help. It also might make dinner harder.
When you get stuck
Sometimes you ask again and nothing comes. It's hard to know whether you want something you've never tried.
Last year a good friend of mine was going through a big change and felt pretty lost. So she said, "Colleen, I want to be your DO friend." If there was something I'd always wanted to try but never had a wing woman for, she wanted in.
So we did them. We visited a salt cave, did an aerial yoga class, read the same book and talked about it. We had some really fun adventures.
When you're stuck, go get some new material. Try something new. Talk to someone who sees the world differently than you do. Read something you'd never pick up. Then come back to your list.
What changes when you get there
Diana tells a story about a gardener. Pulling weeds is a task. Ask what you really want from it, and maybe you're maintaining a garden, so now it's a job. Keep digging (no pun intended!), and maybe you're creating something beautiful. That's a career. Ask again, and maybe the garden is about making the world a little better. Now it's a calling.
"And then in that last instance, you're still pulling weeds," she said. "But you're doing it from this grounded place."
Usually it's the same work. You just know why you're doing it.
Takeaway
Diana helps people cultivate fulfillment for a living. Here's her biggest message for you:
Create space in your life to ask yourself what you really want and keep digging as deeply as possible.
So right now, put 10 minutes on your calendar this week to ask yourself seven times.
And send me your seventh answer. I read every one.
I'm always rooting for you. See you next week.
-Colleen
p.s. If you'd like more from Diana, her newsletter features people who are cultivating fulfillment in every profession. You can sign up here: https://dianapatel.com/newsletter
➤ I’m Colleen. I help solo consultants, coaches, and experts grow their business without growing their hours. Cohort launches January 21st. Applications close December 18th. Learn more here or send it to someone who should see it.
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