GNT #133: Self-honesty vs. self-freedom

Forwarded this? ​Subscribe here​ for more

read time: 4 minutes

I’m a white belt in Jiu-Jitsu.

My kids, on the other hand, are already intermediate grey belts. They’ve been training since they were 4. Honestly, they’re better than me, and they know it. Jiu-Jitsu is a common topic at our dinner table, and we talk about it a lot as a family.

For me, training was humbling. If you’ve ever rolled, you know: there’s no hiding your weaknesses. If you leave your neck out, you’re going to get choked. If your technique is sloppy, you’re going to tap.

That’s the beauty (and the pain) of it. The mat is brutally honest.

And that honesty connects to something much bigger: how we handle ourselves in everyday life when we’re building businesses, leading teams, or navigating relationships.

Psychologists and meditation teachers often talk about two different approaches to growth:

Self-honesty → facing reality as it is, instead of lying to ourselves.

Self-freedom → loosening the grip of rigid identity, so we’re not trapped by ego or old stories.

I first came across the idea as "self-dissolution" in a fascinating conversation between Dr. Gena Gorlin and writer Sasha Chapin. I prefer and use the term self-freedom here, because I think it captures the essence - it’s about creating openness, flexibility, and space to grow into new identities.

In today’s newsletter, we’ll unpack the tension between these two concepts - and why getting it wrong can leave you either stuck in denial or drifting without direction.

By the end, you’ll know:

• Where you might be resisting reality.
• How to loosen your grip without losing your footing
• And how to hold honesty and freedom together so you can grow with clarity.

Let’s dig in.

Self-honesty: facing the tap

Ray Dalio calls this radical truth: “If you don’t look at reality, you can’t make good decisions.”

In Jiu-Jitsu, that reality comes quickly - my feedback loop is instant, and I'm a pretzel on the mat. 

In business and life, it might be slower, but it's just as real:

• The sales numbers you don’t want to check.

• The conversation you keep putting off.

• The constant stress you tell yourself is just “a long, busy season.”

Honesty isn't just hard - it's brutal. But it’s also a gift. The sooner you accept what’s true, the sooner you can adapt.
 

Self-freedom: loosening the grip

At the same time, honesty alone can become a trap. If all you ever do is stare at the truth without thinking differently, you risk getting stuck in judgment.

That’s where self-freedom matters.

I never imagined myself wrestling with someone twice my size on a mat. "I can't fight like that. I'm scared. I grew up in a family of girls. I'm not this aggressive. I'm not being kind if I make my partner tap..."

Michael Singer (The Untethered Soul) describes it as letting go of the voice in your head that says, “This isn’t supposed to be happening.”

Think about the rigid roles we cling to:

• “I’m the leader. I should always have the answer.”
• “I’m the strong one. I can’t ask for help.”
• “I’m the hustler. Slowing down means failure.”

These scripts and identities feel safe. But they cut off our options and paths. Freedom is loosening the grip on these scripts and giving yourself permission to see more choices.
 

The balance point

Viktor Frankl put it best: “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

I think that's the sweet spot between honesty and freedom.

• Honesty says: “Here’s what’s real.”
• Freedom says: “And here’s how I’ll respond.”

When you lean too far to one side, growth can stall:

• Too much honesty without freedom, and you're crushed by reality. 
• Too much freedom without honesty, and you're lost in stories. 

The real breakthroughs happen when you can hold both.

Netflix did this when streaming overtook DVDs. They didn’t deny the shift (honesty). But they also didn’t cling to being “the DVD company” (freedom). That balance turned a looming threat into their biggest opportunity.

It’s the same lesson I see with my kids on the mat: the honesty of the tap shows you where you’re exposed, and the freedom to let go of ego lets you try again.

Without honesty, freedom drifts into fantasy. Without freedom, honesty hardens into a cage. Together, they form a cycle: honesty grounds you, freedom moves you - and then back again.

The Practice

Here's my challenge to you this week. Grab your notepad, the scratch paper sitting next to you, or your notes app, and sit with these two questions:

Where do I need more honesty - to face reality instead of avoiding it?

Where do I need more freedom - to loosen my grip and see new options?

If you can hold both of these, you will grow with more clarity and resilience.
 

Takeaway

Every time I watch my kids on the mat, I’m in awe: they tap, they laugh, and they roll again.

Right now, I’m not rolling. I took a pause after a neck injury. But that’s part of the lesson too: honesty about my limits, freedom to step back, and the openness to return when it’s right.

Tap. Breathe. Try again.

That’s how we roll.

I’m always rooting for you. See you next week.

📩 If you’ve found value in this newsletter, please forward it on. The greatest thank-you you could give me is to share it with a friend.

Whenever you're ready, there are 3 ways I can help you:

1. Need some team training and a plan to achieve purpose-driven growth? Let me lead a workshop for you. [Contact me here]

2. Want me to come speak at your event or meeting about one of my content topics? [Contact me here]

3. Want short, but meaty tips on growth systems for profit, purpose, and a meaningful life? [Follow me on LinkedIn]

If you liked this article, you might also like:

GNT #086: 4 Signs You’re Not Growing Where You Want to Go
GNT #120: You’re not broken. You’re overstimulated.
GNT #076: My System for Changing Deep Beliefs

If you were forwarded this, sign up to receive it each week here. It’s free. I never spam.

To read my full library of newsletters, click here.