GNT #137: The looking-glass self

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Ever felt like you were doing something for yourself, but then later realized… maybe it wasn’t?

Perhaps you were chasing a career goal, building your business, or making a decision, but it was actually fueled more by what you thought others expected than what you truly wanted.

That’s the sneaky power of something sociologists call the looking-glass self.

It’s the idea that much of how we see ourselves is actually shaped by how we think others see us.

If you're like me, you had to stop and think about that for a second.

What a mind screw!

Many years ago, I started a blog. I was a new mom, and blogging was having a moment. Everyone around me seemed to be starting one. And I thought - I’m creative, I love writing, and this makes sense.

So I launched a mom blog. But it never felt like me. I found myself writing what I thought I was supposed to write, and it was painful. Deep down, I didn't want to build a community around motherhood content. What I really wanted to write about was growth. Business. Purpose. Building things that matter.

Something that didn't fit into a box.

Looking back, I wasn't following my gut.

I was following what I thought would be approved of. Sure, it looked like self-expression. But it was actually self-editing, filtered through the lens of what I thought others wanted from me.

Why does this matter?

Because when we don’t become aware of our looking glass self, we can unintentionally:

• Build a business that looks good on paper but doesn’t feel good to run

• Create content that gets attention but doesn’t reflect our truth

• Or make decisions that slowly pull us away from our purpose, not toward it

Today, we’re going to talk about how to spot this in yourself, your looking-glass self, and how to start reclaiming your voice in a world that constantly wants to define it for you.

Let’s dig in.

The invisible mirror we all carry

In 1902, sociologist Charles Horton Cooley introduced the idea of the looking-glass self. And once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

He suggested that our self-image is shaped through three steps:

1. We imagine how we appear to others
2. We imagine how they judge us
3. We form feelings about ourselves based on those imagined judgments
   
   

And what I think is crazy is that it’s not even what people actually think!

It’s what we believe they think.

And that belief can quietly start steering the wheel in life, and especially in our business.

Here’s what it can look like:

• You delete a post you were proud of because you imagine a specific peer would roll their eyes
• You hold back from launching something new because it might feel too “different” from what people expect
• You say yes to a project you don’t really want to avoid disappointing someone

This pattern usually shows up quietly. And often, it masquerades as “being strategic,” “staying professional,” or “keeping the peace.”

But really, it’s self-editing driven by invisible feedback you think you’re getting.

And over time, it chips away at your confidence and clarity.

The result:

• You start second-guessing your own ideas
• You create for validation, not alignment
• And you forget what your voice even sounds like because it’s being filtered through what everyone else might think

But once you notice this. You get to choose differently.
 

How to know it's happening to you

This subtle pattern doesn’t always show up as loud doubt or obvious people-pleasing. Sometimes it shows up in smaller, sneakier ways.

I’ve learned to watch for one specific signal:

When you're right at the finish line... and clarity turns into confusion.

You were clear. You were excited. But the moment you imagine how someone else might see it, you hesitate.

That’s usually not strategy. That’s your looking-glass self getting involved.

A few questions that help me catch it in real time:

• Would I still make this choice if no one else knew about it?
• Who’s the “audience in my head” right now - and do I even trust their opinion?
• Is this something I want… or just something I want to be seen doing?

No shame in the answers. We're just looking for awareness.

Once you catch it, you can start to ask a better question:

What would I do... write, share, say, build... if I were fully rooted in my own voice?
 

Reclaiming your voice, one small move at a time

The good news is... You don’t need to burn it all down.

Most of the time, getting back to your voice starts with small shifts. Intentional choices that bring you closer to what’s true.

Here are a few that work:

1. Create before you consume

In the morning, before you check email, scroll, or see what anyone else is doing - create something.

Let it be messy. Or short. But it starts to get you grounded in your own thoughts before the noise sets in.

2. Notice WHO you’re performing for

If you’re hesitating, ask:

“Who’s the audience in my head right now?”

Go ahead and name them. Then decide if they deserve a vote.

3. Post or share one thing that’s a little less polished

I know, I know. This one is still hard for me. 😭 But it's not to prove a point, it's to practice honesty.

4. Ask better questions when doubt DOES creep in

Not: “How will this be received?”

But:

• “Is this aligned?”
• “Is this mine?”
• “What’s the smallest next step I’d take if I trusted myself here?”

This is how you start shifting out of performance and back to the real you.
 

Takeaway

You don’t have to keep shaping yourself around what you think others expect.

You get to shape your life, your work, and your message around what’s true for you.

The shift starts with noticing.

And then choosing - one small move at a time - to listen to your own voice first.

So this week, ask yourself:

What would I do, say, build, or share… if I wasn’t worried about how it might look?

Writing to you over the years has helped me find my real voice. 

See you next week.

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If you liked this article, you might also like:

GNT #096: The Power of Self-Worth Theory
GNT #088: These 9 Reframes Change Everything
GNT #126: What I learned from my empowerment strategist

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